What's in a local pub?

They say that good snooker players have had a misspent youth. I am no good at snooker despite a misspent youth..... and adulthood. Although I don't regret it I have spent far too much time in pubs. Local pubs not cheap beer warehouses like Wetherspoons.

Now sadly due to a mix of social, cultural and economic factors the institution of the "local" seems to be dying. I have patronised the (not very) New Inn and the Horse and Jockey for the last twenty years. Both have become a shadow of their former selves in the past five years. The New Inn closed over a year ago and has been boarded up. There are rumours it is due to reopen. I am not too optimistic about this or the chances of success, but if it does what should it as a "local" have on offer?

1. When you go in you will almost always see someone you know and hopefully can stand talking to.
2. Often this will be the bar staff who are paid to be nice, to your face at least.
3. A landlord and/or landlady. They may be tenants but if the pub becomes successful whoever owns it will make sure they are soon managers.
4. The landlord will know everything, have had many life experiences and may claim to own a racehorse.
5. Even if he doesn't own a horse he will advise you of his frequent success at the bookies or the racecourse. The fruits of this may not often be seen.
6. The landlady will "take" to some of the punters and not others. They will know which section they are in.
7. She will have a unique and bizarre fashion sense. Her clothes will come from some special "landlady boutique". Non licenced victuallers will not have access to this fashion emporium.
8. The landlord will think he is in charge, the landlady will allow him this conceit but will know that he is just a drone.
9. Drinks will not be served by the landlord who is above this and anyway is occupied with the important business of studying form.
10. Drinks will be served by pleasant, assertive women who are well able to deal with stupid comments from the mixed bag of intoxicated customers who are called to the bar.
11. The landlord will study their form and may consider he has, as their employer, a special relationship with them.
12. The landlady will be aware of these old fool delusions but will nevertheless keep an eye on the situation. It may be necessary to sack the member of staff.
13. Main problem will be to find a reason that doesn't contravene annoying PC employment legislation. What are they alleged to have pinched? Does landlords significant backside count?
14. Beer and lager will be sold. As no one drinks the beer anymore beware as it may be rather sour due to spending too long in the pipes.
15. Drinks will be on the expensive side. Perhaps double the price of what you would pay to drink supermarket stuff at home.
16. There will not be many solicitors or accountants in the bar.
17. Unless they are from the pub's holding company and have come to close it down.
18. There will be darts and pool teams.
19. If there isn't the pub will not have a large enough customer base to survive. Football teams and fishing clubs are an additional bonus.
20. Food will not be served. Except that is for haselet, black pudding and cheese and onion sandwiches provided for the darts and pool teams.
21. If you don't know what haselet is contact me to find out.
22. If you do know what haselet is contact me to let me know, quick.
23. The sandwich platters will be decorated by the landlady with three pieces of lettuce and a tomato. What is left after the team has had their fill will be gratefully consumed by the non sporting customers
24. Usually they only get the lettuce leaves but this is a useful contribution to the five vegetables they consume each week.
25. The others are four portions from the local chippy.
26. There will be a juke box.
27. The juke box will have many compilation CD's on it.
28. "Waterloo Sunset" will often be played.
29. Men who used to have long dark brown curly hair, and now have little will wax lyrical about the 60's (or seventies or eighties) when music was not like it is now.
30. Customers will argue about things of no consequence, for example how to pronounce haselet.
31. They will fall out about money, religion and sport but will usually have forgotten by the next time they see each other.
32. And have the same arguments all over again.
33. Unfortunately racist views are common but denied or unrecognised as such.
34. Punters will swear despite the image of the local portrayed on TV soaps.

I hope the New Inn opens again, I can't wait to get my social life back.